[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)] BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I do this to myself

I don't know what came over me, but I have agreed to take my children to an amusement park with my mom. It will require a 3 hour charter bus ride to get there. I can not even imagine my Little Hurricane on a bus for 3 hours.

I really can't imagine her in an amusement park for 6 hours.

And I really can't imagine a 3 hour ride home.

I will pay for my stupidity. This much I know.

So the plan is for my mom to wrangle Ponky and I will be in charge of Little Hurricane. Maybe we will all stick together and go on the kiddie rides. Ponky is not a daredevil and I know she likes to be with her sister. But....

Will it be too noisy? Too hot? Too many people? Probably. I don't even know where to start to prepare for this. Do I pack the earmuffs? Where do I put them? What about snacks? You aren't supposed to bring in food. What should we wear? I am freaking out!!!!

I am calling the park tomorrow and checking to see what their policy may be for children that will have a screaming meltdown if they have to stand in line for more than 5 seconds. Hopefully they are kind and understanding, in which case I will praise them heavily some time in the future. If they are not, I will scream and vent as soon as possible to the entire interwebs. It's my way.

Just Breathe

Sometimes it's hard to remember that screaming isn't the only song on the soundtrack to my life. Sometimes it's hard to remember that there are good moments, really good moments. Not because there aren't as many but because the bad moments seem to make more of an impact. You don't remember the hug as much as you remember being spit at. You don't remember the goofy grin as much as the glare paired with the words, "I don't love you ever." For some reason those words, those looks are the things that burrow up into my brain and set up camp.

I am working on enjoying the little things more, but it is tough to remember sometimes. These children love me and I love them. Sometimes, I just wish I could pull my head out of my ass and stop feeling guilty and overwhelmed enough to show them.

The Mother of All Meltdowns

That's what I had today.

I just lost it and I feel awful. My youngest daughter, I'll call her Little Hurricane, is 4 and was just diagnosed with PDD-NOS but I was told (by the therapist she sees all the time) that she more than likely has Asperger's Syndrome and her diagnosis will probably change to that as she gets older.

My husband is being an insensitive ass. I don't know if he is in denial or what, but it's getting old. He works hard for us, I know this. But I take Little Hurricane to therapy, I am the one that deals with her day in and day out. Meltdowns, hitting, spitting, kicking, telling me that she doesn't love me and never will etc. I am at the end of my freaking rope!

In the last couple of days we have gotten an official diagnosis, my dog has been a total asshole in general and jumped through the screen on our door (wrecking the entire thing), my walls were written on by Little Hurricane while I gave my husband a haircut less than 10 ft away, sneaky little fox (mural sized, not little scribbles), I had someone suggest that I "need therapy" when I told them I really was doing pretty good, and I was told that I am too hard on my older daughter and I need to let her know that I love her more often. (IDK what I am too hard on her about and I tell my kids about a million times a day that I love them). AAAAAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!

So, after an HOUR of just trying to get the kids to put on shoes and go potty so I could take them grocery shopping ALONE (I'd rather jab my eye out with a spoon), I totally freaked out. I went into my room and cried for 45 minutes.

This sucks. I don't want my daughter to struggle. I just want her to have an easy life. Seriously, is it too much to ask for? I know it could be worse, she's not dying, she's just wired different, but I have NO ONE in real life that even understands or is dealing with this kind of crap.

Almost every person that I have told about her diagnosis has asked

1. Won't she just grow out of it?

2. Can "they" cure it?

3. I think you just need to discipline her more.

I feel like one more stupid comment and I will start punching people in the suckhole.

I'm not normally this sad and pathetic, but the diagnosis was harder to swallow than I thought it would be even though I knew it was coming.

End rant.

To be continued...

Cancer is a thieving whore.

Today I lost a friend to cancer. She was, quite possibly, the healthiest person I had ever met. All state track star, marathon runner, spinach smoothie drinker, etc.

She was also a wife and new mother. She died the day before her daughters first birthday. I know life isn't fair, but this blows. her daughter will never know her mom and what a wonderful person she truly was. She will know she was loved, but will never begin to fathom how much.

My friend, Leanna started a new job and on the first day, she also had a MRI appointment to check out a lump on her leg. Turns out she had neurofibrosarcoma. A cancer in the nerves.

Start the chemo. More chemo. Uh oh, spots in the lungs. Surgery to remove them. Chemo didn't work, amputate leg above the knee. Brain tumor. Surgery. More spots on lungs that can't be surgically removed. Another brain tumor. Today, 9 months after being diagnosed, my friend is dead.

The news hit like being punched in the gut. I had to call my mom and tell her that a girl she loved like a daughter had died. Tomorrow my mom was setting out for Michigan to go to the first birthday party of Leanna's daughter. Now it looks like we will be driving up to a funeral.

Through it all Leanna was a fighter. She had a great outlook and never got depressed. "What good would it do?" She asked. In every photo she grins from ear to ear. I will miss that smile. My daughters are absolutely destroyed. My mother is trying to work through tears. And I am trying to remember my friends motto. "Don't cry for my pain, smile for my strength."

I'll try, but it may take awhile.